Arms of the Angel
by jigenslove
Summary: My first songfic. Snape contemplates his life.


disclaimer I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters, they belong to JK Rowling, nor do I own the lyrics to the song "Angel" they belong to Sarah McLachlan…

The deep red liquid swirled slowly around in the tiny bottle. 'So powerful.' thought Snape, it was a poison of his own design, one he made when he was a student. No one truly knew what a gifted mind he had, only two people had an idea, and both wanted him. Both needed him. And both were bitter enemies. Only Severus knew where his true loyalties lay, being a gifted legilimens and occulimens he knew presisely what each man wanted from him. It was a battle he fought bitterly every day. In his heart, Severus was a good man, but torment made him bitter, it also made him strong. If he stayed with Dumbledore, he knew he would be doing the right thing, but the power he could have with Voldemort was great.

_Spend all your time waiting, for that second chance_

_For a break that would make it ok_

_There's always some reason, to not feel good enough_

_And it's hard at the end of the day._

"_Snivellus_, you greasy git, what are you doing now?"

"Leave me alone, Black. I'm trying to read."

A handsome young man of about fifteen grabbed a book from the hands of a pale, stringy boy. A false cover slipped off the book, "Moste Potente Potions? Isn't this a _restricted_ book, Sevvie?"

The pale boys eyes glinted with hate, Sirius Black and his friends Potter, Pettigrew and Lupin were always picking on Snape. "I brought it from home, it's mine, now give it back." He stood up to face Black, his hand sneaking to his pocket.

"Catch, James!" he shouted as he threw the book over Severus' head.

"Eww! It's just as greasy as he is!" laughed Potter. Pettigrew sniggered and Snape blushed.

"What are you reading this for, _Snivellus_?"

"Stop calling me that!" he grabbed his wand and thought to himself 'Levicorpus!'

James was lifted off the ground and hung upside down, the book fell to the ground, and a smug smile spread acoss Snape's face.

"Put him down!"

"No." Severus simply replied, his voice full of malice and hatred for the boys that had tormented him everyday for the past four years.

_I need some distraction, oh a beautiful release_

_Memories seep from my veins_

_They maybe empty, oh and weightless and maybe_

_They'll find some peace tonight._

Snape sighed, still truning the bottle, holding it up to the light. 'It's so hard, Dumbledore is the only one in the Order that wants me there, the others couldn't care less if I died. I would think they would care more about life than the Death Eaters, but...' his thoughts trailed off. Snape sighed again. He was tired, tired of the lying, the sneaking, the being used. He slipped the vial into his pocket and absent-mindedly rubbed his left arm. There was no sneer or scowl, just bags under his eyes. His blink was slower than normal. It was easy to see his great mind was working fiercely. He walked out of his private chambers into his office, there were scrolls to read and correct, but they could wait.

He stepped silently as ever into the hallway outside his office, as a boy he often spent time down here. Afterall the Slytherin common room was this way, but unlike his schoolmates, he spent his time alone, even from his fellow Slytherins. He would spend hours in the back of what would one day become his Potions classroom, reading and experimenting. Because he spent so much time down here in the dark his already pale skin took on a sallow, almost unhealthy color. He paused on the walk down the hall, peering into an empty classroom he could hear a young man's voice, _"Those bastards, I'll show them, I'll show them all. Snivellus, hmpf."_ His hand slid to the pocket and he fingered the vial, after all these years would he finally use the potion he had perfected?

_In the arms of the angel_

_Fly away from here_

_From this cold dark hotel room_

_And the endlessness that you fear._

Snape walked slowly by a corner where two second year Gryffindors where playing a game of exploding snap.

"Professor! We...I.."

"We're sorry."

But Snape did not as much look at them as through them. Handing out detentions and taking points from students were his favorite passtimes, but he didn't even notice the children. They quickly ran off deciding that a silent Snape was far scarier than one reprimanding them. They knew when the Potions Master was quiet and spoke softly he was at his deadliest, everyone knew that.

"I said put him down, _Snivellus_!"

"Why should I do that?"

"Because if you don't Lupin, Pettigrew and I are going to have to hurt you."

"Fine." Snape released Potter and he crashed to the ground. He landed on his head with a loud 'thud'. Snape couldn't help but smile smugly, feeling he had bested the four of them. But he was wrong. He shouldered his bag and reached for his book by Potter. He got too close and James kicked him in the face. Severus fell backward, his hand clamped over his bleeding mouth.

"Serves you right, _Snivelly_." called Pettigrew, who then kicked Snape in the ribs, knocking the wind out of him.

"When I tell you to do something, you better do it, got it, _Snivellus_?" asked Black as he grabbed a fistful of Snape's hair and threw him to the side. "Let's get out of here before _Snivellus_ starts to cry."

They walked away, but not before Pettigrew aimed another kick at Snape, this time he hit his back. Remus Lupin looked down at Snape, maybe in pity, maybe in disdain, either way it was unberable for Snape.

"Severus, you must tell us who did this to you."

"I'm fine, Professor Dumbledore. I fell, that's all." His black eyes glinted and a furrow creased his brow.

Dumbledore looked at the young man, and shook his head, he knew it was useless to try and probe Snape's mind.

Snape passed a picture, this one had a young boy and girl. They were swinging in a beautiful garden as the sun was setting, they looked so happy. Severus moved the vial around in his pocket. He stood looking at the scene, the girl giggling the whole time, he hadn't thought of this picture in years. His mind raced back.

"Ah, you are awake, Severus."

"Professor? Where..." He looked around, beds with white linen lined up in two neat rows. The hospital wing. "How did I get here?"

"Miss Pope, brought you in from the quiddich pitch." Dumbledore stepped to the left and a sixteen year old Snape saw a girl asleep in the chair beside his bed. "She hasn't left your side since she found you."

Snape looked at the girl, she was blond, wearing glasses and a Slytherin crest on her cloak. He had seen her before, her name was Seraphina. She was as quiet as he was, and rumor had it, she was equally intelligent. He tried to think back to what had happened. The memories came in waves, him standing on the lawn by the lake, the Evans girl smiling, then laughing hysterically, a broomstick, lying on the ground in pain, alone.

"I don't suppose I'll get an answer from you about how this happened will I, Severus?"

Snape stammered and blushed slightly, furrowed his brow and his eyes glinted with the same dark power Dumbledore had seen so many times before.

"I do wish you would confide in me, but I cannot force you to do so." Dumbledore shook his head and left.

Severus tried to move, but his leg was in excruiciating pain. He made a low grunt that roused the girl.

"Oh, you're awake. How do you feel?"

"Fine." He said sullenly, then added, "Thanks."

"The nurse said that your leg was broken in two places, and you arm in three, it'll hurt for a bit, only because it took so long before you were found, but mostly she's worried about your concussion. You aren't supposed to eat, but I brought you a chocolate frog."

"Why?"

"Because they're good." she looked at him questioningly.

"No, why did you bring me here? How did you even find me? There wasn't anyone around when I..." he paused, looking for the right word, "landed."

The girl blushed, "Oh, well, I was in the hallway and I overheard Lily laughing about you, saying that she hoped the broom would fly you far away. James bewitched it so that you wouldn't be able to control it. She was so mean, laughing about how you were trying to impress her."

Snape was blushing bright red. How could he have been so foolish? He knew Lily fancied Potter, but when she asked him to try the broomstick...'Damn testosterone.' he thought.

"So, I went looking for you, I hadn't seen you at dinner, and, well, anyway..." she cleared her throat, "I flew around the grounds until I found you. You were laying on the pitch, your arm and leg were bent at odd angles, and the ground around your head was dark and wet, from your blood. So, I conjured up a stretcher and brought you here, and now you're awake, so I should go, I guess." She started to get up.

"Wait, why did you go looking for me?"

She blushed, "Well, you could have been hurt."

"So?"

"So, I couldn't just leave you out there, I know we Slytherins have a bad reputation for being heartless, but, well, we aren't all." She looked down at her shoes, "I should go, I'm sure you want to be alone."

"You don't have to, I mean, if you don't want to." Snape blushed, 'You idiot, could you sound any stupider?' he thought to himself.

But she sat down and they talked deep into the night until the sun came up. It was Sunday, a Hogsmeade Sunday at that and he was released from the infirmary.

"Do you want to go into the village with me?" Snape asked tenetively.

"Sure."

_You are pulled from the wreakage, of your silent reverie_

_You are in the arms of the angel_

_May you find some comfort here._

They walked to the village, Snape limping slightly. They spent the afternoon walking around the village talking about everything and nothing. Sometimes they just walked around, not speaking at all.

"Close your eyes, Seraphina."

When she opened them he handed her a green rose with silver tips. "Oh, Severus, it's..." she started to cry.

"What's wrong?" he asked, certain he had offened her in some way. "I can make it any color you want, it'll last forever. I'm sorry."

She laughed through the tears, "You're cute. The rose is perfect, thank you."

"Then why are you crying?"

"I'm leaving Hogwarts, well, being expelled actually."

"What! Why?"

"Remember when I said I flew around looking for you?"

"Yes, so?"

"I wasn't on a broomstick, I'm an animagus. But, I'm not supposed to transform because I'm underage and unregistered. The Minister of Magic says I'm lucky I won't end up in Azkaban."

Snape was shocked, she had saved him. He was laying out in the dark for hours because of a cruel trick and she was being expelled? "But..."

"Professor Dumbledore stepped in on my behalf, he said he would talk to the Headmaster at a school for witches in Salem, Massachuesetts, over in the States. So, I'll be going there next week."

Snape sighed and continued down the hall, when he reached the stairway he turned and walked slowly back to his office. He thought of the potion in his pocket, so complicated to make. You even needed the blood of the maker, that was one of Snape's own personal touches that made the potion so lethal.

"You're late, Severus, the Dark Lord is not pleased." The tall thin man with long white blond hair sneered.

"You know as well as I, Lucius, that you can neither apparate nor disapparate on Hogwarts ground."

"Yes, but that doesn't change his mood."

Snape brushed past Malfoy, into the chamber of Lord Voldemort. Snape bowed low, "My Lord."

Voldemort sneered, "I thought you had abandoned me, Snape."

"Never, My Lord, I was unable to disapparate on Hogwarts ground."

"Yes, but why did it take you two hours to get off the grounds, I wonder?" Voldemort raised his wand and Snape steeled himself. It had been years since he had been in the presence of Voldemort, but he remembered every second, especially when he was not pleased. "Crucio."

He said the word as if it meant nothing but Snape was racked with excruciating pain, but only for thirty seconds. He staggard, but did not fall.

"As strong as ever, I trust I will not have to remind you that I do not tolerate lateness again?"

"No, My Lord."

"Good, Severus." He was again in the Dark Lord's favor. "Tell me, what has Dumbledore been up to?"

_So tired of the straight line, that everywhere you turn_

_There's vultures and theives at your back._

Severus apparated into the kitchen at 12 Grimmwauld Place, it had been three days since he had last slept, though if not for his eyes, you would not know it. "My Lord," he said while bowing. Laughter. 'Who would dare to laugh in the presence of...'

"Severus, you are amoung friends now." said Dumbledore in a soothing voice, as he took his friend's shoulder.

"I wouldn't go that far, _Snivellus_." laughed Black. "Imagine that, bowing, the great _Snivellus_ Snape."

"Silence, Sirius, he is tired, can you not see that? Sit down, Severus."

Snape blushed slightly, a glint of pure hatred in his eyes. "No, Headmaster, I must be going soon, I wouldn't want to waste the Order's time," he paused and looked at Black, "sitting around." The words dripped with venom and loathing, all knew they were for Black. "I came to tell you that the Death Eaters are planning a raid on Azkaban, without the dementors guarding the place, they are much more willing to enter."

_Storm keeps on twistin', keep on building the lies_

_That you make up for all that you lack._

When he finally reached his office, Snape closed the door and locked it. He had finally made his decision. Drawing back into his personal chambers, Severus started his phonograph, a dark and sad song started to play. He placed a wine glass on the bedside table and filled it with the wave of his wand. Then he uncapped the tiny vial, and poured the contents into the drink. He could smell the sweet aroma of the potion, alluring. He swirled the glass around and brought it to his lips.

"Severus! Severus, open the door."

"Not now, Headmaster, just another moment."

"Don't be a fool, I'm coming in." Light shot from the end of Dumbledore's wand and the door burst open. He entered Snape's room just as he drained the contents of the glass. "No!"

"I'm sorry, Headmaster, I just...can't." He said, almost pleadingly.

Dumbledore shook Snape hard to keep him awake, the potion first made the drinker unconscience, then they would slip away into sweet oblivion.

_It don't make no difference, escape one last time_

_It's easier to believe_

_And this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness_

_That brings me to my knees._

The headmaster grabbed a bezoar from Snape's desk and shoved it in his mouth. Severus only laughed. "You forget, I was the one who made this poison, there is no simple antidote."

"Severus, listen to me," started Dumbledore quickly, but calmly, "how do I stop it?"

"Why? Someone else can take my place, you don't need me."

"You are a stubborn fool, Severus. Tell me where the antidote is."

"No, let me die, I can't keep this up." he said sleepily.

"There are better ways, if you didn't want me to stop you then why send the note?"

"Count on Longbottom to be early only when you want him to be late. You weren't supposed to have opened that yet."

Dumbledore stared into Snape's dark eyes, maybe this time he could see.

"Stop! Don't do that, I don't..." Snape didn't finish the sentence, he fell into a deep sleep, but Dumbledore had gotten in just in time. The potion he needed was already made. You could always count on Snape to have not only the poison, but the cure as well. He just had to find it in the next five minutes and Snape would survive.

As Dumbledore searched frantically for the tiny vial, Snape dreamed peacefully, his potion was designed to kill its drinker, but not to make them suffer. His thoughts started to uncloud themselves, 'What are you doing?'

"Nothing." he murmured aloud.

'This is the coward's way out, Severus.'

"I'm no coward."

'Then why are you doing this?'

"It doesn't matter anymore." He looked into the sky in his dream world and saw a raven, the bird had a silver 'S' on it's breast. He cocked his head and squinted. The bird reminded him of something, someone.

Dumbledore opened each of Snape's desk drawers but could not find the vial. "Where is it?"

"Severus, don't do this." He knew that voice, but from where? Then the bird swooped down and dropped a green and silver rose at his feet. He bent down and picked it up.

"Seraphina? But how?"

"There isn't time for that, where is the antidote?"

"But..."

"Severus, please, don't let me have been sent away just so you can kill yourself. You are not a coward, you're just tired, please, tell me."

_In the arms of the angel_

_Fly away from here_

_From this dark cold hotel room_

_And the endlessness that you fear_

_You are pulled from the wreakage, of your silent reverie_

Dumbledore had just about given up. He became very quiet, when he heard Snape speak. "The chain around my neck."

Dumbledore ripped open the top of Snape's jacket, there on a silver chain hung the tiniest vial of bright blue liquid. "Aha!" cried Dumbledore in triumph. With just seconds to spare, he uncapped the bottle and poured the potion down Snape's throat. It was as sour as the last one was sweet. Snape's tears were in this potion, they were what made it so strong.

The raven flew away and Snape felt his vision blurring, "Wait!" But it was no use, when his vision cleared, he saw he was back in his dungeon. He sighed.

"Severus," Dumbledore started. "Are you alright?"

"Yes, Headmaster." he replied quietly.

"Good, because I am going to kill you. What in the heavens did you think you were doing?"

"I'm tired, I'd like to sleep now."

Dumbledore saw the lines on Snape's face, with his guard down like this, it was easy to see how ragged he was feeling. "Yes, perhaps you should rest. I'll wait till you're ready, I always do."

_And in the arms of the angel_

_May you find some comfort here._

"I just don't know why I hadn't noticed before, look at him. He's so thin and pale, and his eyes, look at the circles under them, Minerva."

"You didn't see because he didn't want you to, Albus. That is the way he is, stubborn." She looked from the sleeping face of Severus Snape to the worried one of Dumbledore. "You musn't blame yourself, Albus, he was bound to run himself down sometime, maybe he'll learn that he doesn't have to do everything by himself."

Snape moaned and shifted in the bed, and very slowly opened his eyes. He had been sleeping for three days straight.

"When you make a potion, you certainly make it strong, Severus."

Snape merely shook his head, he made no witty comeback, nor any sneering remarks, he merely sighed as he sat up in the bed.

"I trust I shall not have to come down here again and frantically search through your belongings, Severus?"

"No, Headmaster, the next time I try to kill myself, I won't bother with a note."

Dumbledore smiled, "Back to your charmimng self I see." With that he turned and walked away with McGonagall beside him, but there was someone else in the room, he could feel it. Snape looked around and noticed a rose on his bed table. He picked it up and examined it, it was green and silver.

He heard a rustling in a corner, but in the dungeon there were many shadows. He placed the rose back on his dresser and noticed a large black feather.

"Show yourself, I know you're there."

"Took you long enough, I've been here three days." He heard a flapping of wings and a woman stepped out of the shadows. The girl who had spent the night by his side in the infirmary when he was a boy. She walked up to the bed and sat on the edge, then she slapped him.

"What the hell!"

"Don't you ever do that to me again, Severus Snape. I've been worried sick about you since the night you took that potion. I could kill you." She leaned forward, her eyes misty, and kissed him.

"You were the raven, how did you...?"

"I've been keeping tabs on you, don't look so shocked, you know I'm nearly as powerful a witch as you are a wizard."

"You kept the rose."

"Of course, why wouldn't I?"

"Well," he turned a bit red.

"Why Severus Snape, are you blushing?" Snape grumbled something incoherrent. "That's the first color you've had in three days. For a while, we weren't sure the antidote was working."

"Of course it would work, I made it."

Seraphina rolled her eyes, "Glad to see your ego hasn't been bruised. Are you hungry?"

In answer, his stomach made a low rumbling. "Appearantly."

"Good because I haven't eaten in days. Let's go." She helped him to his feet and brushed the stray hairs out of his eyes. He swayed a little, she linked her arm through his. "Can you manage?"

"Yes, of course I can."

She laughed, "Good to know you haven't lost any of your Slytherin venom, I mean charm, Severus." They walked through the dungeon and up the stairs, finally reaching the Great Hall. There weren't many students in at the moment, it was the winter hoilday, Snape was thankful for that. He could only imagine the rumors that would be going around about his three day absence. They sat at the staff table, the house elves had set a place for Seraphina, and they ate in silence, quietly enjoying the other's company.

_You're in the arms of the angel_

_May you find some comfort here._

The End


End file.
